tatomupdates' Journal

Claire's last family Update
February 20th, 2006
It seems the time has come to say good-bye to all of you. I feel The Lord has led me to close this chapter in my life. This will be my last journal entry and so I wish to leave you with a few final thoughts. I recently filled out a job application. One of the questions read, "What do you consider your greatest accomplishment." I wrote, "In all honesty my greatest accomplishment is accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior". Looking back on my answer I realize that my greatest accomplishment had nothing to do with what I had done. My greatest success was only accomplished because of what Christ had done for me. He alone died for my salvation. All I did was accept his gift. On July 3rd, 2005 Claire and I had an understanding. As she lay in my arms, I held her to my chest and said to her "Claire, I will see you soon, I will see in a little while." Only because of Christ Jesus and what he did for me could I say and know with 100% confidence that I would be seeing Claire again. And the next time I see my beautiful child it will be for eternity. I wear a St. Jude Children's Research Hospital Heroes T-shirt. On the back of the shirt is a quote by Danny Thomas which reads, "Success has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It's what you do for others." My prayer for you is this, if you haven't done so yet, accept the gift that Christ has to give you. It will be your greatest accomplishment. If you have already accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior I leave you with this "I will see you soon, I will see you in a little while." God bless. Love in Christ, Amber Tatom

Tatom family Update
Good evening. Some of you may recall how our family ended up at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. On the day Claire was diagnosed, June 19th 2004, we were sent to St. Vincents Children's Hospital for consultation. I remember the nurse letting Claire pick out a movie when we arrived. The VCR in the first room did not work so the nurse moved us down the hall to the last room of the hallway. Shane and I still had no idea how serious Claire's condition was. We were very nervous and scared, but still thought the doctors could take out the tumor, or somehow fix her. Everything changed though when a straight shooting doctor took Shane and I to a private room and told us our child had 12-15 months to live and there was nothing that could be done for her. I refused to believe him, although he was right. Claire lived less than 13 months past that horrid day. And although I refused to accept the doctor's news, Shane and my cries were probably heard throughout the entire ER. That was the day our lives as we knew them vanished. They were replaced with lives so unimaginable that even now I still feel like a stranger in my own skin. The reason I go back to that 1st day is because that is the day Kelsey Tatum was born into our hearts. Her name and phone number were handed to Shane on a small piece of paper with the words "don't give up, there is hope" in the waiting room at St Vincents. Kelsey was our ticket to St Jude Children's Research Hospital. And although Claire did not make it, I will always cherish what the Hospital did for Claire and our family. Until heaven, I'm not sure I will ever again experience love the way I experienced it there through the staff and volunteers. Kelsey is now 22 and has just been diagnosed with brain cancer for a second time. She has been cancer free for approximately 5 years, beating 5% odds of surviving the 1st cancer. I asked myself how does this family gear up to walk a second time down a road so frightening. The truth is, they have no choice. They did not ask for this and now their lives are again directed down a road not of their choosing. Because your prayers made a huge difference in our lives I am asking that you will now pray for Kelsey and her family. Shane and I still get strength through people lifting us up in prayer. Our prayers do make a difference and Kelsey could definitely use all the help we can give her. God bless. Love in Christ, Amber

Tatom Family Update
Hello. Just wanted to give a quick update. Thank you for praying for John. He is doing well. He came in the other day after playing outside and said, "Mom, I finally played just like a normal kid and wasn't sad." I didn't realize even his play was being affected by what happened to Claire and our family. I had assumed that he was escaping during play. Anyway, things are looking up. He is beginning to have good dreams about Claire, too. He wakes up excited to tell me about his dreams with Claire. I enjoy hearing them. I feel as if I am dreaming about Claire at night but when I wake up I have no memory of my dreams. I just have a sense that she has been with me. I'm not sure why I have no recall but I figure God has his reasons for keeping dreams of Claire from me for now. I miss her so much and hearing John and Jordan's dreams of adventures with Claire make me feel closer to her. Again, thank you for your support. Love in Christ, Amber

change in entry
Just a quick note to let you know I changed the wording of my last entry. I had received information that this entry was misinterpreted and a few of you were concerned that I had decided to check out. I am sorry for the misunderstanding. Thank you for caring for me. Just to let you know, I have no desire to end my life. I have many reasons to live. My son John is having a very hard time dealing with Claire's death and I would never purposely inflict more pain into his life. Please pray for him. He has many nightmares. Love in Christ, Amber

Tatom family update
What are the Chances? I walked outside at about 8:35 am to let our chickens out of their pen and from a distance I hear a strange noise. I look over and a hot air rainbow balloon is rising above the trees across our woods. As I watch in awe, another hot air balloon, this one with hearts, rises into the sky just above the trees. For Claire's funeral my friend Jerilyn's daughter sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" while her husband Brent played the piano. Love is waiting for me over the rainbow and her name is Claire. For me, this is a sign. If I hadn't let go of this world before, I am more convinced than ever to live this life in the Spirit. Shane and I are always looking forward to our future in heaven, but until God calls us home we will continue to live strong here. Love always in Christ. Amber

update
December 31th, 2005 I pray that you found joy this Christmas. Claire was not totally absent. It snowed huge flakes at my parents house Christmas afternoon. Once again I was bless with my childhood dream of a white Christmas. After unwrapping presents at mom's house, my brother's family, my parents, and my family went outside for a balloon release. Earlier in the week Jeremy's girls, Sarah and Grace (twins, in kindergarten) had come to their mommy concerned how Claire would get her Christmas presents. Danielle and I came up with the idea to release balloons. We each had a balloon. Eleven in all. Before releasing them, we were to each make a wish of what we wanted to give Claire. I told the kids that since God can do anything, he could make Claire the gifts they wanted to give her. Because the snow was falling so hard I wasn't even sure the balloons would go up. But, I said a prayer, we went outside, made our wishes, and then let them go. Did I mention my parents live in a woods? The balloons went up through the snowflakes and straight into the trees. Our gifts to Claire nestled in different tree branches. Stuck! they seemed to be holding on, not quite sure they wanted to make the long trip to heaven. Slowly, one by one, the balloons freed themselves and then sailed off into a sky of beautiful white. Two balloons remained trapped in the trees. One was my nephew Jack's. He had wished Claire a COW for Christmas and was bound and determined she would get the gift he had intended for her. He convinced his Dad (my brother Jeremy) to help him free the balloon. They threw sticks up in the air for a half an hour trying to free the gift. They did have some success. Jeremy was a good aim, but each time he would hit the balloon and free "the cow" It would blow into the next tree and get entwined in its branches. All their efforts where unsuccessful. But once inside, I looked out the window and the balloon was gone. It had decided to make the journey after all. And so Claire did get her cow. As I sit and write this story I am struck by the many parables within. One seems to really stick out. People hold on to this world so hard. They move from one of its trappings to another. All the while Jesus is waiting to give us the most precious gift of all, eternity with him. He invites each of us to come travel with him through the sky of beautiful white to our home in heaven. But we must have the courage let go of the trees and accept his gift. Ten of our balloons did make the journey. One remained trapped in the trees. I pray that with the new year fast approaching we will each have the courage to let go of this world and sail off into the great white. God bless. Love in Christ, Amber

Tatom family update
Dec 18th, 2005 Is it just me or do you also feel like time is at warp speed? I just want to say thank you to everyone who prayed for our weekend in Memphis. I am happy to report that it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. While there, Shane and I got to see many of Claire's Nurses, her Doctor, and other Staff members. We consider these people our family and have missed them terribly. We found great joy in seeing them again. There were 23 runners on "Claire's Team" and we all finished the Mini Marathon in under 3 hours. Shane and I ran the whole way together and finished in 1:51:43. The Spirit was STRONG. Shane could have ran faster but he wanted us to do this together. The same way we had battled Claire's Cancer, together, he said. Wow, I am a lucky woman to have him. Bruce and Geralyn Thompson walked the 5k in under 1 hour. They even ran the last 1/2 mile. This may not sound difficult for some, but when you consider that Bruce fell 60 feet a few years ago and broke most of the bones in both feet from his ankles down, this is a pretty amazing feat. The team along with the help of many generous donors has raised over $18,800.00. I am overjoyed by the love and support people have shown to St Jude Children's Research Hospital in Claire's Honor. While in Memphis some of the team also stopped by the Ronald McDonald house to serve a continental breakfast Sunday morning. This was the first trip to St Jude for most of the team and I think I am safe in saying that everyone went home changed for the better by the experience. It is hard not to be changed by the magic of that place. You can sense the presence of Angels keeping watch and giving hope where it is desperately needed. It's odd that I can say that about a place that sees such great suffering and loss, but then again where there is love there is hope. And hope abounds at St. Jude Reseach Hospital. Merry Christmas and a Hopeful New Year. Love in Christ, Amber

Claire's family update
Hello. I am feeling a bit anxious this evening so thought I'd write.On Friday Shane and I will be making our 1st trip back to Memphis since Claire's passing. Shane and myself, along with 21 other people will be running for "Claire's Team" in the St. Jude Marathon/mini Marathon on Saturday.Running has been great therapy for Shane and I. I have spent many hours on the road the past few months thinking about Claire and how incredible she really was. I have only recently contemplated the real depth of her strength and courage. The obstacles that she overcame on a daily basis were nothing short of miraculous.When her body said no, her spirit said yes. She truly lived her life in The Spirit. It still amazes me that she never spent one night in a hospital. Thanks to St. Jude Children's Hosp. she never had to.She stayed either at The Grizzle House or The Ronald McDonald House with me. If you wish to Check out the members of Claire's Team go to www.stjudeheroes.org and look us up under team name: Claire's team.I am excited to support the hospital but at the same time I am concerned how I will handle being back in Memphis. There are so many memories there. Many I admit are scary. I am asking once again for your prayers. Please pray that Shane and I be able handle this trip mentally. I have had some trouble in recent months but am doing much better. I have learned so much from Claire. I spend alot of time in the spirit anymore since my mind doesn't wish to participate whole heartedly (or whole headedly) sorry for the pun. Now when my mind says no, my Spirit says yes. This weekend I will run in The Spirit. God Bless. Love in Christ, Amber

Claire's family update
November 18th,2005 Many of you do not know that on Monday's and Thursday's I volunteer at Claire and John's old grade school "Geist Elementary". I work with children in The Life skills Room. Claire helped unveil a passion within me for children with special needs. This year I have been very blessed to work with the most amazing children and wonderful group of women. At school, on Thursday, for the first time, I actually felt like Claire was missing something and my heart broke for her. I have always felt that she is having a great time Heaven, so I have never mourned what she is missing here. Instead I have only mourned what we are missing without her. But Thursday was different. It was a special day at school and all the children where dressed up like princesses, knights, dragons, and other fairytale characters. Anyone who knows Claire knows how she loves to play dress up. Although I hurt for Claire I did not share my thoughts with anyone. Then last night my sister-in-law, Danielle, who teaches at the same school where I volunteer, called to tell me that as she was walking to her classroom Thursday morning she noticed, down the hallway, a huge trail of white feathers. I did not see the feathers but when Danielle told me the story I broke down and sobbed. Danielle and I cried and laughed and shared our thoughts about Claire and the Day. Claire had not missed the day after all. She left a trail of white feathers behind to prove it. The story does not end there. Last Sunday, my cousin Kelly called and asked me if Jordan had a princess dress that her daughter (Megan) could borrow for the dress up day at Geist Elementary. Kelly came by Sunday night to get the dress. She returned it to me last night. I did not remove the dress from the bag it was in until this afternoon. Guess what was attached to the dress. Yes, a huge white fluffy feather. The dress is now laying on Claire's bed. The feather is still attached. Shortly after Claire passed on A little boy wrote me a beautiful letter. In it he wrote, "You will miss her on Earth but she will look after you." Is it possible? Can it be true? Does God allow her to look after me? I look back on a journal entry from March 8th, 2005 and think: God has a new little helper as he covers me with his feathers. Her name is Claire. In that I find refuge. God Bless, Amber Tatom

Tatom family update
November 4th, 2005 It has been 4 months now. Last night I laid in bed thinking and thinking. I could have stayed awake all night listing the things I miss about Claire. I thought I'd share a few.
1. I miss how when Shane and I would kiss Claire would say "hey me too" and then she would squeeze in the middle of us. The embrace of two would become three.
2. I miss the butterfly kisses she and I shared. She and I would take our eyelashes and touch them together, and then we would rub our noses.
3. I miss Jordan and Claire practicing dances and songs then coming in the kitchen and performing them for Shane and I.
4. I miss the sound of Claire, Jordan and John wrestling with Shane on the living room Floor and Claire yelling out "hi Yah" followed by a karate chop to some part of Shane's body.
5. I miss reading "Alice the Fairy" by David Shannon to Claire while she and I lay in her beautiful white bed with a white canopy that closed us into our own fairy tale world. Her head gently resting on my shoulder. Nothing felt more right.
6. I miss tucking her in bed. She would hug so tight around my neck and then say, "Mommy I love you, will you lay with me awhile".
7. I miss the noise. Our home is too quiet now. Even friends comment on how quiet our home is.
8. I miss our long walks down the driveway to Grandma's house. Her hand in mine. I never knew what we would talk about, but the conversation could guarantee a laugh or two.
I could continue on and on listing the things I miss. I have scarcely touched the surface. Our lives where and still are so intertwined with Claire's. I think that is how life should be. I am thankful for my list. I am grateful that God allows me to love and that I am a willing participant in his gift. I'm thankful that my list of things I miss doesn't include many things I should have done, should have said, or should have shared with her. I do have plenty of regrets in my life. I have made many wrong choices along the way. But, I am so glad that God changed my heart before Claire came along. I allowed God to change my life. He taught me how to love as (He First Loved Me). And because of him, I was able to give that same love to Claire and she was loved on this earth as she deserved to be loved. My prayer is that your lists be filled with more things you miss about someone rather than things you regret not doing with someone while you had the chance. Love in Christ, Amber

Tatom family update
After going to group counseling a few times we have decided to stop for now. I am not apposed to counseling at all. It is just that our emotions, mine in particular are too raw. I am not able to separate our loss of Claire from the loss these other families have experienced. It is almost unbearable to think that other wonderful families and children are going through what we are. I found myself spiraling downward, out of control . All these emotions are too much right now and it is affecting both my physical and mental state. Maybe in time we will try group counseling again. It is said that there is a season for everything. In the spring I have been guilty of hanging flower baskets on my front porch too early. I like things to look pretty. But, because I do not heed the weatherman's advise my hanging plants die. They are killed by a frost. I think I am like that with the counseling. I want everything to be pretty again. I know it will never be as beautiful as when Claire was here. But still there is beauty to be found. Right? The problem is I hung myself out too early. In my case the frost didn't kill me but it sure did alot of damage. It is best not to rush things. Love in Christ, Amber

Claire's family update
October 10th, Last thursday Claire's school, Geist Elementary, honored their friend "Claire". Approximately 700-800 children gathered in the school parking lot for the unveiling of "Claire's Corner", which is a lovely little garden. Claire's Kindergarten classmates released butterflies, while the rest of the student body blew bubbles in celebration of her life and friendship. It was a beautiful ceremony. I am so thankful Claire was part of such a warm, loving community and school. I am so blessed to be the mother of one so precious as Claire. Children are our gift from God. They come in many shapes and sizes. Some bring us laughter, while others break our hearts. Some are healthy, others face many physical,emotional and psychological challenges. Some grow old, while others like Claire just barely get started before they are taken away. But the thing they each have in common is this, they are all gifts from God. Love in Christ, Amber

Tatom update
Sept 23,2005 Good morning. Last night our family started grief counseling. I think this step will be good for Jordan, John, Shane and myself. After putting the kids to bed last night Shane and I got out home movies. Jordan, our 12 year old, had done all the filming on one tape in particular. It was so funny. Jordan, Claire, and their cousin Casadi were in true silly girl form. Claire looked beautiful, spoke clearly and was full of life in the video. Then the scene changed. Jordan had taped Claire on May 25th. Claire's physical appearance had taken a catastrophic turn. She could hardly speak, her face was swollen from the steroids, the tumor was pressing hard on her brainstem and causing paralysis in her face and entire left side. She could barely walk. Shane and I sat and sobbed. There were no words between us. As I sat in the silence I began to think how offensive death is. And because death is so offensive no wonder people tend to say things that offend me concerning Claire's death. I have not found one single comforting thing in her death. Not even, "well at least she is in a better place now." I am not in that place so I find no selfish comfort in that phrase. But what I realized last night is this, People, including myself hurt for each other when bad things happen. We want to comfort each other and we try really hard to do so. As hard as we may try there is just no way around coming across offensive sometimes because death is offensive to us all. I absolutely love when Claire's little friends and cousins tell me stories about Claire. They do not fumble over right and wrong things to say. They share openly without reservation. They are not worried about the possibility of insulting me. I love for people to tell me stories about Claire or tell me how Claire has touched their lives because in those moments she is alive and in those moments I am comforted. It is like the taste of a dark chocolate with raspberries candy bar in my mouth listening to My nieces and Nephews telling me about the times when Claire played dress-up with them or when she wouldn't share her toys with them. It may not last long but oh how good it is to hold the chocolate in my mouth and relish in its flavor. I do understand that everyone is different and that we all grieve differently. What comforts me may not comfort someone else. But, it is worth a try to reminisce with a Grandmother for example, who has lost the love of her life. It may be like giving her a sweet piece of chocolate. You will see by the look on her face, even with tears trinkling down both your cheeks, if your conversation brings comfort. But if by chance you are given a sour look, don't worry too much. Remember, death is offensive and that is not your fault. Love in Christ, Amber

Tatom Update
Sunday, Sept 18th,2005
It was good to be with our church family today. So many new faces. It is nice to see all the young families bringing their children to learn about God. Today John Vance told us during his sermon that we should speak with clarity and boldness about our faith. What I heard him say was "Speak with CLAIRE-ITY and boldness". From that moment on I was lost in his statement and what it meant to me. I remember sitting on Claire's bed one night and reading her a story. Her mind was on something other than the story. She interrupted, "Mommy, if God asks me if I want to go to Heaven, I think I will say yes." She loved it here. She loved her family, friends, pets, church, school,teacher, home,and President. She loved us all with her whole being and prayed earnestly for the ones and things she loved. But with CLAIRE-ITY and Boldness she also made it clear who and what was first in her life. It was so hard for me that night on the bed not to say, "Claire, no don't choose heaven choose me." I wanted God to heal her for me and if Claire told him she wanted to stay then maybe he would listen. I squeezed my jaw shut until I could reply with CLAIRE-ITY and boldness, "that is a good choice Claire, you will love it in heaven." Just last night Shane and I sat and wept for Claire. We miss her terribly and the pain seems almost unbearable at times. Each day brings a confusion of emotions for us. So today I am grateful for a little "CLAIRE-ITY" in our lives... Love in Christ, Amber

family update
Sept 2nd, 2005 As you can probably imagine our family is still struggling to find our way in this new life we have been thrown into. I began to Journal again in my personal notebook and hope to put my thoughts into book form someday in the distant future. Many of my thoughts are deep and possible offensive at times, but I feel the need to give others truth and honesty concerning my search to survive and move forward in spite of our losses. Speaking of losses, what a tragedy in Louisiana and Mississippi. I was deeply moved by one report last night of a little girl who was at one of the local hospital with brain cancer. She had to be transported by air to a hospital with adequate means to care for her. The reporter interviewed her father who had to endure many challenges just to get to his child. From her bedside he spoke words of a man with a true understanding of life and its unmeasurable value. He said that he was "a blessed man." He lost his home, experienced a horrific natural disaster, his child has brain cancer, and he repeated over and over again to the reporter how blessed he was. The truth is his child will probably lose her battle with cancer. Yet, I have a feeling that this father of that beautiful child will still consider himself blessed even as he too must watch his daughter die in this world. There is not a day that goes by that I do not mourn the loss of Claire, and yet if you asked me if I am blessed, I will answer without reservation, "yes". I am blessed because what I truly value is not of this world. God is the Creator of all that I hold dear. Love in Christ, Amber

update
Many people have told me that I need to continue to write. I'm not sure what to say. I hardly made it past the subject title. I couldn't type what I have for over a year now, "Claire's update." If I were to write about her what would I say? How do I tell of a place where she is and yet I have never been? How do I describe that she has no tears or pain, when tears and pain are a huge part of my life now. Each day I wake and think of her. She has rarely left my thoughts. Grief and mourning have become my closest friends. I am very uncertain of this new life and I am totally dependent on God to give me the strength to face each day. I have a wonderful husband, and two kids that are amazing. God's blessings continue to flow and I am confident that He will rescue me from the despair I feel. Claire's death in this world has confirmed one thing, "this is not my home." I am just passing through and someday I too will see what Claire sees and I will feel what Claire feels and after I have asked God a few questions, "You know the ones that my Preacher can't answer for me",I am going to run as fast as I can to the fun house and play with Claire. Only then will I truly be home. Love in Christ, Amber

Claire's funeral arrangements
July 4th, 2005 Showing for Claire will be at The Fortville Christian Church Wednesday July 6th from 4-8pm, Thursday July 7th from 2-8pm and the Funeral will be Friday July 8th at 10:30am. In lieu of flowers this is our request: Each Sunday for the last year Claire has wanted desperately to attend sunday school. She was able to attend Church almost every Sunday despite her illness. Each Sunday before we would leave for church Claire would put her offering in the zipper of her light blue bible case with the words "With God, all things are possible" written on it. She loved giving her allowance to the Lord. That is why Shane and I know that Claire's wish would be for all memorial contributions to be made in her honor to The Fortville Christian Church building fund. This fund was used to build the beautiful children's wing that Claire laughed, loved, worshiped and grew in. It was one of her favorite places and she would find great joy in knowing that her life and memory were honored this way. Thank you and God Bless, Shane and Amber Tatom

Claire's update
July 4th, 2005 Claire walked this morning at 6:00am. She is dancing and playing in the fun house in heaven. I will provide funeral arrangements later today. Love in Christ, Amber

Claire's update
July 2nd, 2005 Claire has not had solid food in 2 days. She has only been able to drink a very small amount of liquid. She is 100% conscious and very aware of her surroundings right now. Please continue to pray that she will have no pain or fear and that God allow her to pass peacefully from Shane and my arms to his. Thank you. Love in Christ, Amber and Shane

Claire's update
June 26th, 2005 I sit here and am not sure what to say. We have many prayer requests and yet I struggle to give them to you. Claire is such an amazing child. Before I let you know what she is dealing with I want you to know that despite everything Claire still finds the energy to draw, paint, watch movies, laugh, enjoy soft foods like ice cream and yogurt and tease mommy, daddy, John, Jordan and Dr. OConnor. Her prayer needs are many but these are the latest hurdles she needs help crossing. Claire can no longer urinate on her own. We must cath. her 3 times a day. Please pray for her to relax and not feel pain when I cath her. She is now taking breathing treatments 4 times a day. This does seem to help with the mucous in her throat but I can tell her lungs are beginning to give way. I fear the worst but know that in just a little while she will be ok. She often tells me that she wants to walk and I say, "someday soon". I think about how I will miss her and what will I do after she is gone and I tell myself, "someday soon, Amber Someday soon you will be with her. This life is so short. Just a moment in the great expanse of eternity. That is what I tell myself. God Bless. Amber Tatom

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